The War on “Covidiocy”
April 21, 2020
Forrest Gump’s mother once told him that “Stupid is as stupid does.” Today, Stupid is doing too much. It organizes massive protests about state restrictions impeding its ability to get haircuts or play golf in the midst of a global pandemic that has killed over 160,000 people. It blocks streets used to transport medical assistance to those in need. It wants to politicize tragedy and play the victim. “People are gonna die anyway, why should I be affected?” Stupid says, “We can’t afford to let the economy die!” Well, it’s hard to have a functional economy when many of us are thirty feet under in a mass grave, just ask Iran. For once in my life, I’m not with stupid. Stupid will not be the death of my state. Stupid will not be the death of my country. Stupid needs to suck it up and stay in its goddamn house so it doesn’t drag down the rest of us with it. I’m sorry, that was a bit harsh. Stupid, please suck it up and stay in your goddamn house.
I am a proud Michigan resident, the Mitten State has been my home for nearly my entire life. But today, my fellow Michiganders protesting in Lansing make me frustrated and ashamed of my home. Our First Amendment guarantees us the right to peaceably assemble, something I will always defend. But as the adage goes, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. In Detroit, “…hospitals are being overwhelmed with patients suffering the effects of Covid-19, which has killed close to 2,000 people in the state to date.” There are cases of the virus in my own metro-Detroit neighborhood. But I’m fortunate my loved ones are still around. Others, like Skylar Herbert’s family, can’t say that. Skylar was the 5-year-old daughter of two selfless first responders in Detroit and on April 19th, she became the first child to die from Covid-19 in the state. Like thousands of people across the country who have lost loved ones to the virus, her parents won’t even be able to give her a proper funeral. Imagine dropping your child off at the hospital only to never see them again. If the curve is not flattened, we will only hear more of these devastating stories. But yeah, I’m sorry Stupid hasn’t been able to play nine holes in a couple weeks. Turns out narcissism is yet another contagion we have to worry about.
Stupid has convinced itself that it is the real victim of this catastrophe. But while Stupid can afford to take time out of its day to yell at the moon, people like service workers and first responders can’t. As a reward for working hard when the rest of us won’t, they will bear the brunt of the consequences from Stupid’s actions as evidence suggests these protests exacerbate the spread of the virus. Immediately after a demonstration at the state capitol in Frankfort, Kentucky recorded the highest number of new coronavirus cases in a single day: 273. Hard to believe that this is mere coincidence. Being cooped up inside is not ideal but the vast majority of Americans are making the necessary sacrifices to prevent the spread of the virus. The sobering truth is that this will not matter if the loud minority refuses to adapt to our new reality. Why can’t Stupid join us?
Stupid is an opportunist. Stupid wants to make this a political issue. It conflates patriotism with violently waving an American flag and pledging allegiance to a 6 foot orange with a toupee and authoritarian tendencies. Meanwhile, that same orange threatened to withhold aid from a group of Democratic state governors if they didn’t give him a pat on the back. When they did not, being a true patriot, he Tweeted “LIBERATE MICHIGAN”, “LIBERATE MINNESOTA”, and “LIBERATE VIRGINIA, and save your great 2nd Amendment. It is under siege!”, casually advocating insurrection against the government on the same platform used to debate whether or not Carole Baskin killed her husband in Netflix’s Tiger King (She did). To paraphrase George Bluth Sr., President Stupid may have committed some “light treason” but we keep chugging down his toxic, hyperpartisan Kool-Aid like it’s a bottomless margarita at Chili’s. President Stupid is the incorrigible little devil on our shoulders, he’ll keep playing his perverse game until he inevitably keels over from a Big Mac-induced heart attack. Trying to reason with him is like throwing a paper airplane into the wind, pointless. But we don’t have to let him enable our worst impulses.
Yes, our freedoms are temporarily being taken away. Yes, we are temporarily trapped in our homes. But this is much bigger than any single person, desperate times call for desperate measures. I once had hope that this crisis would knock sense into us and unify the country under a common goal. But it’s become clear that it will only happen when hell freezes over or the Detroit Lions win a Super Bowl, whichever comes first. So I just have one request. Let’s go to our corners and we’ll get back to fighting each other when the bell rings. There’s a new opponent in the ring and we’ve already taken enough of a beating these first few rounds. There’s only one way we can throw the haymaker in the 12th round: staying in our goddamn homes.
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